Used To
by FlopsyOllie
Summary: Watch how she rolls her eyes at me when I’m an idiot. Smell her hair, how it smells like shampoo and not alcohol anymore. And mentally kicking myself, over and over, for never getting up the guts to say “I love you.” Crellie


**Used To**

_Takes place between Weddings, Parties, Anything and Together Forever._

_I'm bored to death. And I'm having the hugest mental block of my life with 'Promises'. And this is what happens..._

Ellie Nash was never a girl I paid much attention to. I was too busy getting laid by freshmen, sometimes by Ashley Kerwin. Sometimes I'd see that mysterious goth girl walking down the halls, but my mind was reeling from my dad, discovering I got a girl pregnant, that I cheated on my girlfriend and then lost both of them, that I was bipolar, blah, blah, blah. The list just kept going. Ellie Nash had always just been Ashley's friend to me. Not _my_ friend. Not the hottest girl I'd ever seen. Not the girl I wanted. Just Ashley's friend. A whole world away.

That was, until, Ashley went to England, and I started to go to Group Therapy for my bipolar. And, what a surprise, Ellie Nash was in Group with me. And suddenly, I knew everything. Her dad's in the army? Mom's an alcoholic? Ever since Sean left, she's felt so alone? And I thought she stopped cutting a long time ago. Guess not.

Suddenly, I wanted to save her. She seemed so sad, and it just wasn't fair. I wanted her to be happy. Maybe I could make her happy, and she could make me happy. Ashley Kerwin and Manny Santos could lock themselves in a unimportant place in my brain and stay there. We could be best friends, and then something more. Maybe if I played my cards right, it'd all work out. (Yeah, and maybe the war in Iraq will end and Global Warming will disappear, eh?)

But it never worked out. Manny didn't like her dark little room. Who knew she was so good a picking locks? It felt like that video was directed straight at me. Hi Craig, I miss you. To make you fucking jealous and so horny, I'm gonna get drunk and take my shirt off for Peter on camera. And then she just never left my head. Ellie got pushed aside, and Manny stole center stage.

The sad part was, I picked Manny. I picked her because I was so afraid that if I picked Ellie, I'd screw her up like all the other girls I dated (not literally. More mentally than anything else). Look at Manny. I was her first date, and she became the Degrassi Slut Queen. I didn't want to do that to Ellie. I wanted to wait, wait until I could be with her and not be the total asshole that I am.

Plus, I was a coward. Ellie knew so much about me. She was in group with me. With her, there were no secrets. She knew the real me, and it scared me to be romantically involved with someone who knew so much. I don't know why, I still don't know why, because I still love her just the same.

So after breaking Ellie's heart tragically, and Manny suffering a dented head (You've got to love red-heads and drumsticks), things smoothed out. Ellie and I are just friends, even if both of us want more. Manny is my girlfriend, but every time I kiss her I think of someone else.

I love to hear her laugh. Watch how she rolls her eyes at me when I'm an idiot. Smell her hair, how it smells like shampoo and not alcohol and smoke anymore. To see her take off her sweatshirt, and not care who sees her scars, at least for a moment. And mentally kicking myself, over and over, for never getting up the guts to say "I love you." It breaks my heart when I listen to her in Group, how sometimes she thinks dying would be easier than this. I want to make her happy. I'm just crappy at cheering people up.

I guess I'll never really have my way. I think I'll always be an asshole. And until Ellie really wants an asshole like me, and I'm willing to fuck her up because I can't take it anymore (again, _not_ literally. At least, not until we've been together for a while.), I'll just have to wait. Just sit and watch while I break her heart more and more by just being there, by not being the person she wants me to be. The person she needs me to be.

But I guess we'll just have to wait. After all, how could it get any worse?

_If only he knew. :)_

_Review please!!_


End file.
